Disability Dating - When the Missing Part is not you

 In today's internet World of love and romance, perfection, beauty and sex sell best. I am still shocked when a guy sends me a picture of his privates first before his face and I have been internet dating since the 1990s.

As an advocate for disability and being disabled myself, I am part time dependent on a wheelchair. I always wonder whether to lead with it or mention it in future conversations.

I am quite judgemental myself and will reject guys with "fit" or "active" or "into sports" in their description as I am not unhealthy but not "into fitness" either.

I figure being disciplined that way is great , but for me life is too short and I have fatigue related issues so have little endurance for sports , I do enough exercise as it is.

But disgust at your partners eating habits can also bring discord, you sneer at his tofu burger and vegan latte, he laughs at your beef burger and triple chocolate dessert.

I am more likely to dress casual so a guy in a suit is unlikely to keep my attention, different levels of income as well as deciding which parts of the body should be hair free can be the biggest factors in deciding love. You will be surprised what is waxed or shaved or has electrolysis applied to it these days.

There is also differing sex drives, and huge differences in sexual preferences. There are things that will make you blush or cringe but I have learned never to judge another's needs in the bedroom and to be tactful and kind in your rejection .

Younger men also usually have a higher sex drive, not always, but that is why I prefer to date older guys. The sex drive is similar and they are more calm and experienced and less rushed in the bedroom.

I have seen quite a few specials on disability Dating and sexuality.  What happens when it's not just a wheelchair you have to explain to potential mates about? What is you have extreme scarring, or things like a colostomy bag or a missing limb?

 Having spoken to many disabled over the years many report some bad dating experiences , but then so do able bodied persons. There is always the added fear or being exploited as a disabled person but many have also had successful relationships with both abled and non abled people.

Its a tough world out there and we all end up with horror stories about dating. Myself, I have generally been warmly received and have done more rejecting than being rejected. But most are curious and honest if they cannot handle it.

There is also the contingent of disabled people who need the sexual release but cannot find a partner for many reasons, some feel or are unable to physically commit the act. These people generally use the services of a trained sex worker who is sometimes also responsible for body care or even a nurse by trade .

For those who are in relationships sometimes the pressure of not being able to fulfill all your able bodied partners needs in the bedroom can put extra pressure on the relationship.

Think very carefully about committing to a relationship with a disabled person as they are usually already good judges of human nature and behaviour. Ask questions if you are curious, many are happy to answer, but don't push us if we get uncomfortable about some questions.

Don't be put off by what others think if you are lucky enough to be picked by a disabled person, we as humans are very visual these days, and first impressions linger but sometimes we need to learn to shut our eyes and make love in the dark.

It allows you to make love by sensation, and by touch and anticipation rather than the visual. Fantasy and Imagination enter and it can lead to much more fulfilling lovemaking in the future.

Learning to look deeper than the outside of a person, past the scars or the wheelchair or missing limb is important . As is looking past her blonde hair and perfect breasts or his piercing blue eyes and bulging biceps.

We have become perfection seekers and sex and beauty sell first and foremost. We cannot point the blame at anyone but ourselves and learn to begin to appreciate the world and all its people's a bit differently.

And if you are still stuck in the need for perfection don't beat yourself up or feel guilty about it, after all perfect people need partners too.

Though I will stick with the less physically perfect as I just love those human imperfections that are perfect that we all have.